morbid comforts

coincidentally on the day child fell off the bed, while we were waiting for my country folks to call in during one of my weekly meetings, my big boss asked about my little one.

i told him that she fell off the bed that morning, and immediately there were gasps, concerned looks and queries on how it happened, and how she was doing. i described the unfortunate event and when i said that the poor critter ended up flat on her back bawling away, it must have came out funny because everyone started to laugh. some of them ended up feeling embarrassed about cracking up but it was okay because i was trying to make light of the situation.

and as if to make up for it, one father started to share his story about a similar incident. he asked me how high my bed was, and i said half a meter. then he told us that his kid fell over a height of one meter. what was upsetting was that both parents were in the room at that time, but just that as their backs were turned, the poor boy pivoted on the cot's rail, which was put half way down, and fell head down towards the floor.

i was not sure if i should feel comforted, then another colleague started to share about the story of her friend's toddler who fell out of the window of her two story bungalow. miraculously, there were no injuries at all.

at that moment, my country folks called in and we went about our business. which is a good thing, because i did not think i could bear to hear more about another child falling out of something that will top a two story bungalow's window.

so my dear LX, if you think about it, compared to these kids, maybe you are not getting such a bad deal after all? hahaha.

that the bolster rolls is no rocket science

today my dear child fell off the bed.

i was in the shower and KH was making his way to brush his teeth when i heard a loud thump, followed by a sharp cry. instinctively, i knew LX fell off the bed.

when i got out of the bathroom after a mad rush thinking oh-my-god-oh-my-god all time, KH was already carrying LX towards me. she wasn't crying anymore and was clearly upset, but mostly she looked shocked. KH inspected her limbs and i checked the back of her head for bumps and thank god, she was in the clear. but still, we aren't entirely satisfied. we promise ourselves we will monitor her for a few more days to make sure she is really alright.

we sort of reviewed the whole incident in the car on our way to work and it turns out that the loud thump i heard was actually from KH, who tripped after he heard LX cried out. LX fell off because she rolled and the bolster, which shouldn't be used as a barricade on the bed against the floor, rolled along. when KH found her, she was lying on her back on the floor, splayed out like a starfish, and bawling away. the image haunted KH in a way, and he felt really really bad about it. i felt bad about it too, because a few times the bolster was used to block LX from the floor, it did occur to me that it will roll along with her. but for some reason i just dismiss that thought. so i have been a party to this too.

luckily LX is fine, no unusual symptoms or bumps. we speculated that the bolster hit the floor first, and she probably landed on it, and then bounced off it. so that could have soften the blow. maybe i'm trying to soften our blow by thinking that, but if that really happens, then we are really lucky.

whatever it is, we will watch out and make sure such things never happen again. my dear LX, mummy and daddy are so sorry. we will constantly remind ourselves that the bolster, being a cylindrical figure, rolls is no rocket science. please forgive us?

this is what happens when you leave your 8 month old alone. . .

... with a farley's rusk. and i'm talking about the whole round rice biscuit. i didn't bother to break it up to smaller portions despite some wise advices from KH.



and after ooo-ing and aah-ing about how she was taking to the biscuit, i actually forgot about it. i went about pushing the pram while talking to my brother, with LX enjoying her bigger-than-her-palm rusk (as in having fun with it rather than in the gastronomical sense).

when i suddenly remembered and checked, the whole rusk was gone. not in her tummy, but all over the pram, her hands and her face. i was glad that at that moment, KH was not around to witness his sweet baby girl mouthing the pram's bar away because it was covered with delicious rusk.

so yeah, the perfect combination of stupidity and forgetfulness.

that was in february when we were at great world city shopping centre. i don't remember why we were there (and why my brother was with us), but i just came across these pictures and decided to make up for lost time by posting this blog.

today, we officially have one more senior citizen in the family...

... because today is my father's 60th birthday! to commemorate this milestone of life, he specifically asked for roasted goose. so yesterday, we brought him to Imperial Treasure (Ngee Ann City) for dinner. 3 generations in the family celebrating the man hitting the big 6-0. my brother told him that he must be feeling all warm and fuzzy.

i didn't hear my father's response to that, because LX was creating mayhem at the table. but earlier part of the day, i did ask my father on how he felt about being a senior citizen officially. and he told me that he had already applied for his senior citizen ez link card 2 weeks ago. then he went on to complain that the lower fares can only be enjoyed during concession hours. in anyways, i am glad that he is making plans for his new status and privileges.

so yeah father, this little slot is dedicated to you on this special day. it has been a great 27 years knowing you, and we hope for many more years to laugh with (and at) you. you are one of the funniest guy i have ever met, simply just because you never meant to be. just love the way you pronounce "soap" for soup, "poke" for pork and "scape" for scalp, and how you always emphasize the "rot" in carROT. and brother and i never bother to correct you. we also appreciate the support you have always given us big guy. so yeah, lose weight and stay happy.

poser

do we always have a choice?

when i was in primary school, usually after the year end final exams, there would be a period of time when we would not have lessons and we would be free to bring our toys, games or whatever entertainment to class and have some fun together.

besides the regular board games, dolls and uno cards, some of my friends brought books. teachers might have been a bit surprised, but these are not books for literary development. these are what we called "game books".

such books begin by a very short story line. in fact, that very first story line will lead you to scenario whereby you have to make a choice. whatever choice you make will take you to different pages. that means you do not read the book by the page sequence. and whatever choice you make each time, can lead you to very different endings. for example, say your story starts in a forest whereby you are walking down a path. along the way, you found a treasure box. if you choose to open the box, go to page 2. if you choose to ignore the box and continue your way down the path, go to page 5. whether you go to page 2 or 5, it will lead you to a point whereby you have to make a choice to go to page x or page y. and this goes on until your story ends. you get the idea.

ironically, this is one of the most important lesson i learn about life in school. we are all put into that very first story line when we start to be able to consciously make decisions. except for that very first story line and whatever life hands you, we always have choices. the only problem is whether the choice is an easy or difficult one.

the uncertainty of the outcome behind each choice is proportional to the difficulty of making the decision. and life is full of uncertainties. also, picking one option out of the rest might mean giving up other alternatives (opportunities?) available. therefore whatever life hands us, we should try to pick the choice that seems best at that point in time, and one that will not metamorphose to regret. and even though it might be difficult sometimes, the last thing we should do is to go into self-denial, say that we have no choice, and give up.

oh well, writing it down is much easier than doing it. how many times have i said that i have "no choice but to ... ..."? anyways to reverse the solemnity of this post, below is the picture of one difficult choice i had to make:

before it's gone

today i'll like to talk about my hair before there's nothing much left to talk about anymore.

i started losing hair in the past few weeks at a crazy rate. you know it's bad when you can see your hair flowing into the drainage in clumps while you shower, when you keep finding strands of your own hair in your dinner because it's dropping off while you are eating, and when you pick your child up from the bed, she's covered with your hair.

i tried to make the situation better by going for a haircut, and i compounded the problem by going to a lousy hairstylist who gave me a disaterous haircut that left me permanently in a hairclip.

actually i should be in awe of the hairstylist. he turned my hair into a wild octopus. my trusty hairclip that accompanied me through pregnancy, birth, and the turmoil of taking care of a newborn was ripped into two after a day. subsequently, no hairclip, metal clasp or not, can contain it. five minutes after clamping it down with a hairclip, it will find some way to stick out of it and go in all directions. my barbaric hair also scorns at brushes and combs. the teeth of the comb are no match. i almost lost it in a mass of tentacle. and blowing it with a hair dryer turns me into a sacred being with a halo of hair radiating from the sides. i haven't tried drowning it in gel yet.

looking into the mirror sends me into depression. the urge to shave myself bald is getting stronger everyday. actually maybe this might be the intention of the wise hairstylist. he knows that i have a serious hair loss problem and i probably will never shave myself bald to save it. perhaps i should continue to think this way for that stupid fool's sake.

why we finally decide the baby cot is too small

our special day

today marks my 2 year anniversary with KH. 3 aug 2005 was the day we first started our life together as a couple. this date has been very meaningful to us ever since, and the 3rd of every month is a day whereby we'll at least kiss to commemorate that special day.

however, after all the sweetness above, i must admit: somehow* i can never remember to wish KH on the 3rd of every month. he started the practice first, and has faithfully wished me "happy xxth month anniversary dear" on the days ever since. because he has been so sweet, i have tried to initate the wishings but somehow** i never made it. i think this is what they call "bo sim". on that very one occasion KH forgot and i remembered, i wished him on the 4th instead. not because it was belated, but because somehow*** i thought it was the 4th.

so no prize for guessing what happened today.

yeah! u are right! i did it again! i forgot!

today also happens to be my first day back to work after my maternity leave. so yeah, that's why i got a lot of things on my mind. and therefore somehow****, that sort of got pushed out. a beautiful bouquet of pink roses got delivered to me in the office. i was surprised because not many people knew i started work today and when i saw KH's name on the delivery order, my initial thought was that he's sending it to me to encourage me on my first day of work because he knew i was kind of upset about it.

oh well. but needless to say, i was elated. my dearest KH is now in the states and i am disappointed that we can't be together on this day^. but if u think about it, one good thing about my forgetfulness about this is that rightfully i should get tired of this thing since we do it every month. but i don't. each one is as refreshing to me. and therefore, i have at least one thing to be happy about every month... no? see my quote of the moment?

anyways, to stop sounding like a heartless bastard, i do have a note for KH on this very special day:

"dear dear, i find it amazing that we have been together for 2 years already. i can still remember those times when we were dating with fondness, and i remember me telling you that i am really very happy many many times. that statement still holds very true up till today, so i'm going to say it again. i am really very very happy. and because of you, i am the luckiest girl in the world. thank you dear, and may we live together in happiness always."

and to celebrate this day without excluding our sweet baby child, here is a picture of her i took specially for him. i dragged his mom in to take a look, and she was very amused and we had a good laugh over it (at child's expense, and she's so oblivious of it! that's the funniest part). and MT, if u are reading this, u have a part in it too. haha. and i really like them, they make her sooooo cute.







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*this is a very convenient word to make something lame sound more like a reason rather than an excuse
**so that's why i'm using it again
***and again
****and again!
^like i remember

change is inevitable...

...except from a vending machine, so says Robert C. Gallagher*

just look at my little cherub:



her eyes are showing more than just the pupils, her eyebrows are appearing, her cheeks are chubbier and her hair is longer. in other words, she is growing. her weight at one month was 4.3kg, which means she gained about a kg from birth. which is quite a feat considering that i am a very clumsy person, and i can't even take care of myself.

well, she's not the only one changing... look at me:



the nose is smaller, and the cheeks less chubby. i think i look much prettier too.

in short, i lost 10kg in a month. KH also lost 3kg. that's 13kg lost in a month in exchange for a 1kg gain in weight. i looked better in that pic because i put a lot of makeup to cover up the pale skin, dark rings and bags around the eyes that resulted from sleepless nights, endless feeding and constant changing of diapers. and not to mention those times when we have to rock and cuddle her in our tired arms to pacify her inconsolable crying, until we feel like crying ourselves.

... ...

am i complaining?




____________________________________
*i don't know who he is

battle of the diaper change

the gauntlet is thrown at the first sound of a fart or a bleep-bleep-bleep. i calmly accept it and arrange to meet half hour later for her to finish her business.

while waiting, i set up my combat formation on the bed, our battleground. i lay out the changing mat, waterproof pad, diaper wipes, cotton pads, nappy rash cream and diapers. i also make sure that the tissue box is fully loaded and the rubbish bin is within shooting range.

the time has come. we take our positions: me on the waterproof pad, and she on the changing mat. in lightning speed, i remove the booties, the pants and the right fastener of the diaper to assess the damage. as expected, it is full of crap. but do not be fooled into thinking that she won't crap anymore, thou be forewarned! precautionary measures still have to be taken!

i quickly launch my attack on her butt with an onslaught of diaper wipes and cotton pads. she fires back rapidly by kicking my hands away with her little baby legs. but i continue to hold the fort. sensing it is not working, she decides to ambush me. she stops her "no shadow kicks" and sneakily stares ahead. i know that look all too well. sure enough, she launches an explosive missile of crap suddenly. i promptly defend by using the "tissue paper shield". wahahahahahaha. i learn my lesson well. the last time she got me with a projectile of shit and i was in the direct line of fire.

the battle is won when i stick the right fastener of a fresh diaper on, and i remain unharmed. however, there is no room for complacency. i will continue to remain vigilant. all the more when my trusty sidekick, KH, is not around.

till we meet again.

the wait is finally over!

here's the premiere showing ooofff... ...THE CHILD

the wait is going to be over soon

the time unit till the delivery of child has changed from months, to weeks, to days, and now finally, to hours. i am scheduled to be induced into labour tomorrow morning at 9 a.m.

and i am not sure how i should feel. i sure didn't wake up this morning feeling all excited about meeting child tomorrow, about today being the last day of my pregnancy. in fact, i think i'm going to miss feeling child having a rolling good time inside me, and KH touching my bump asking how she's doing. i'm also going to miss the things he did with me while i was pregnant, like going for my gynae visits, to maternity classes and waiting around in Orchard while i attended my pre-natal yoga classes.

today, he even bought a real coconut for me to drink, in preparation for the big day tomorrow. however, he bought an uncut one. he managed to hack the pointy top part off, only to expose more husk and no nut. after struggling for a while on the top part, he decided to try another strategy, to hack the sides instead.

i wonder how intelligent that was, thinking that the sides are even thicker. he even asked me if i can do without the flesh, just take the drink, thinking that he could hack his way through from the sides and milk the coconut water into a mug.

after a good half hour, a lot of sweat and husk lying around, he finally gave up and threw the whole coconut away. to make himself feel better, he said it cost only one buck anyways.

oh yeah, i think i'm going to miss such "pregnancy" antics from KH as well.

the different reactions - zzzZZ

date: 5 june 2007
time: 03:30
location: our bed


this time, KH did wake up. and he even tried to soothe my tummy. however, i was a bit surprised that he said: "child, not tonight okay?"

and i think he just didn't continue saying "cos daddy wants to sleep"...*





______________________________________________________________
*altho' in his defense, KH said he meant that he was trying to tell child to stop moving so that i wouldn't feel so much pain...

the different reactions - zzz

date: 5 june 2007
time: 01:32
location: our bed


i was drifting in and out of sleep while suddenly my tummy started to hurt real bad. it was like sore menstrual cramps, and the pain enveloped my whole belly. i prodded at it, but it didn't feel tight, it felt soft, like an overripe fruit instead.

my back was facing KH, so i had to reach back and grope for him instead. i finally found his hand, tugged at it and said: "dear, i'm in pain, i'm iN PAIIIINNNNN!!!!!!!!"

i stopped to catch my breathe and tried to make myself more comfortable.

he mumbled to ask if i was alright. then, there was a pause. then...

i heard him snore.

i guess being worried about him being too jittery and not being able to find the car was unfounded. haha.

the different reactions - where's my car

date: 30 May 2007
time: 14:12
location: b2 carpark, anchorage point


KH and i just had lunch over at paddy fields. the brouhaha over at the gynae's had shredded my nerves to bits, but still left me with appetite for some thai food.

however, it didn't strike me that KH's nerves were pretty frayed too. i should have noted the signs. firstly, he couldn't decide what to do when we couldn't find a parking space at alexander's village where we originally wanted to lunch. secondly, he couldn't decide what to eat at paddy fields. he was flipping the menu, but i'm not sure if he was even looking at it.

the tell-tale sign really came when we went to the carpark for the car. he couldn't find it. KH always finds the car. and then he started to freak out: "where's my car, WHERE'S MY CARRRR?!?!?!?!". and next: "我明明park這裡的!!!",

while his 39 weeks pregnant wife was standing there with fatigue and the possiblity of labour.

i wanted to suggest maybe we could check the other side of the carpark. i was getting really tired and wanted to tell him my legs were going to break. and also add that if he did not calm down and find the stupid car, i would like to break him as well.

but in anyways, it was actually kind of sweet to know how anxious he is about the whole thing. my usually cool and decisive KH losing it because of me and child. however, it wasn't so comforting to think if he has to send me to the hospital, and him going "where's my car, WHERE'S MY CARRRR?!?!?!?!" in the carpark... ...

the different reactions - this is it

date: 30 may 2007
time: 11:05
location: dr Tham's clinic, Gleneagles


we saw dr Yam for the first time since dr Tham was away, and he seems like a detailed, caring and very hands-on gynae. i had the CTG, an internal examination and a scan done, and he listened very attentively to what i said. which is great, cos likely child can't wait for dr Tham to be back and i'm just as comfortable with him.

i just needed to go to the toilet before i leave. somehow i feel that something is not right down there. and true enough, there was a 10 by 1 cm trail of fresh blood on my panty liner. i let out a gasp. and surprisingly, KH could hear it even though he's in the male's toilet and i'm in the female's.

from the toilet he shouted, "what happened, dear?!" i don't really feel like shouting back from the toilet and have a conversation between toilet doors, so i got done with my business quickly. he came out shortly and started rapping at my door. i went out and told him about my discovery.

we hurried back to the clinic. i had another internal examination, this time with some device. after some delibration, i was finally sent back home with an mc, for observations, just to make sure that it's labour time before i'm admitted.

we started to make some calls (and we were still in the clinic). i called my boss and probably said gibberish, but the bottom line was that i wasn't going to turn up for work. my colleagues called as well as they were expecting me. i probably said the same gibberish with the same bottom line. i'm not sure about KH, but i was shaking all over, thinking this is it, this is it... ...

the best way

the best way to live in harmony is not to have any preconceived ideas about anything if you are not the boss and if you don't own the place.

the best way to live happily is to have expectations and have it carried out without obstruction. and yes, it helps if you own the place.

less than a year ago, i could still do that to 10% of the area i used to bunk in. i bought most of the furniture and call the shots on where they are put. i took pride when people commented that it was a pretty hangout.

now, i don't even have 1% of the room of the place i have to live in. i can't even make decisions on bare necessities, let alone luxurious ones like where to put the changing mat.

the best way to get out of this? earn lotsa money and get my own pad.

the empire strikes back... again!

yesterday evening, my dearest drove me back from the office as usual. slightly before i left, i was trying to figure out something from a meeting i had earlier. it was a number i couldn't quite remember how it was derived.

i was thinking aloud while KH drove. finally, i got pretty annoyed. i growled in frustration, grabbed my hair into 2 ponytails trying to pull them out, and slumped against the window on my side.

at that moment, the car stopped at a junction. eyes not leaving the road, KH extended his left hand, subconciously placed it on my bump and asked in a sing-song manner: "how is my child doing today?"

that's when i realised he was oblivious to my gripes. and he wasn't asking me how the child was doing, he was asking child how she was doing.

boo hoo hoo...

my throne has been usurped

every morning, KH will drive me to work. sometimes, when we stop at one of the junctions, while waiting for the busy traffic to pass, KH will put the car in neutral, take his left hand off the wheel and hold my right. he will then caress my hand while we quietly look at each other and smile. it is just sweet, romantic quality time spent together.

this morning, while waiting at one of the junctions, he extended his left hand as usual. i took the cue and held out my right. but he extended his hand further than usual. and that hand landed on my belly and started to caress the bump instead.

i looked at my empty hand and gave him a look that spelt calamity. he stopped caressing and gave me a look that said oh-shit.

the wait for the traffic seemed longer than usual. i slowly realised her royal majesty is now someone smaller than me. and KH probably wanted to get me to the office as quick as possible and make his great escape.

i have heard a lot of times that when baby comes, the husband will feel left out because all the attention of the wife will be on the child. no more 二人世界 after the arrival of baby. however, after this morning's bummer, i came to the sad realisation that there will still be 二人世界, excluding me that is. argh.

37 + 4

that's how far i am into my pregnancy now. and according to my gynae, 37 months is considered full term.

i'm still trying to come to terms with that.

soon the days of:

miserable backaches

faithfully applying stretch marks cream every night

religiously obeying superstitions of not sticking anything, cutting anything on the bed, avoiding construction sites etc

avoiding raw foods and the 4 forbidden fish

will finally be over. and will give way to:

miserable sleepless nights

faithfully applying stretch marks removal cream every night

religiously obeying the mother-in-law's instructions and the child's cries

avoiding almost all foods except for those strictly for confinement

... ...

i'm not sure which is worse.