do we always have a choice?

when i was in primary school, usually after the year end final exams, there would be a period of time when we would not have lessons and we would be free to bring our toys, games or whatever entertainment to class and have some fun together.

besides the regular board games, dolls and uno cards, some of my friends brought books. teachers might have been a bit surprised, but these are not books for literary development. these are what we called "game books".

such books begin by a very short story line. in fact, that very first story line will lead you to scenario whereby you have to make a choice. whatever choice you make will take you to different pages. that means you do not read the book by the page sequence. and whatever choice you make each time, can lead you to very different endings. for example, say your story starts in a forest whereby you are walking down a path. along the way, you found a treasure box. if you choose to open the box, go to page 2. if you choose to ignore the box and continue your way down the path, go to page 5. whether you go to page 2 or 5, it will lead you to a point whereby you have to make a choice to go to page x or page y. and this goes on until your story ends. you get the idea.

ironically, this is one of the most important lesson i learn about life in school. we are all put into that very first story line when we start to be able to consciously make decisions. except for that very first story line and whatever life hands you, we always have choices. the only problem is whether the choice is an easy or difficult one.

the uncertainty of the outcome behind each choice is proportional to the difficulty of making the decision. and life is full of uncertainties. also, picking one option out of the rest might mean giving up other alternatives (opportunities?) available. therefore whatever life hands us, we should try to pick the choice that seems best at that point in time, and one that will not metamorphose to regret. and even though it might be difficult sometimes, the last thing we should do is to go into self-denial, say that we have no choice, and give up.

oh well, writing it down is much easier than doing it. how many times have i said that i have "no choice but to ... ..."? anyways to reverse the solemnity of this post, below is the picture of one difficult choice i had to make:

before it's gone

today i'll like to talk about my hair before there's nothing much left to talk about anymore.

i started losing hair in the past few weeks at a crazy rate. you know it's bad when you can see your hair flowing into the drainage in clumps while you shower, when you keep finding strands of your own hair in your dinner because it's dropping off while you are eating, and when you pick your child up from the bed, she's covered with your hair.

i tried to make the situation better by going for a haircut, and i compounded the problem by going to a lousy hairstylist who gave me a disaterous haircut that left me permanently in a hairclip.

actually i should be in awe of the hairstylist. he turned my hair into a wild octopus. my trusty hairclip that accompanied me through pregnancy, birth, and the turmoil of taking care of a newborn was ripped into two after a day. subsequently, no hairclip, metal clasp or not, can contain it. five minutes after clamping it down with a hairclip, it will find some way to stick out of it and go in all directions. my barbaric hair also scorns at brushes and combs. the teeth of the comb are no match. i almost lost it in a mass of tentacle. and blowing it with a hair dryer turns me into a sacred being with a halo of hair radiating from the sides. i haven't tried drowning it in gel yet.

looking into the mirror sends me into depression. the urge to shave myself bald is getting stronger everyday. actually maybe this might be the intention of the wise hairstylist. he knows that i have a serious hair loss problem and i probably will never shave myself bald to save it. perhaps i should continue to think this way for that stupid fool's sake.

why we finally decide the baby cot is too small

our special day

today marks my 2 year anniversary with KH. 3 aug 2005 was the day we first started our life together as a couple. this date has been very meaningful to us ever since, and the 3rd of every month is a day whereby we'll at least kiss to commemorate that special day.

however, after all the sweetness above, i must admit: somehow* i can never remember to wish KH on the 3rd of every month. he started the practice first, and has faithfully wished me "happy xxth month anniversary dear" on the days ever since. because he has been so sweet, i have tried to initate the wishings but somehow** i never made it. i think this is what they call "bo sim". on that very one occasion KH forgot and i remembered, i wished him on the 4th instead. not because it was belated, but because somehow*** i thought it was the 4th.

so no prize for guessing what happened today.

yeah! u are right! i did it again! i forgot!

today also happens to be my first day back to work after my maternity leave. so yeah, that's why i got a lot of things on my mind. and therefore somehow****, that sort of got pushed out. a beautiful bouquet of pink roses got delivered to me in the office. i was surprised because not many people knew i started work today and when i saw KH's name on the delivery order, my initial thought was that he's sending it to me to encourage me on my first day of work because he knew i was kind of upset about it.

oh well. but needless to say, i was elated. my dearest KH is now in the states and i am disappointed that we can't be together on this day^. but if u think about it, one good thing about my forgetfulness about this is that rightfully i should get tired of this thing since we do it every month. but i don't. each one is as refreshing to me. and therefore, i have at least one thing to be happy about every month... no? see my quote of the moment?

anyways, to stop sounding like a heartless bastard, i do have a note for KH on this very special day:

"dear dear, i find it amazing that we have been together for 2 years already. i can still remember those times when we were dating with fondness, and i remember me telling you that i am really very happy many many times. that statement still holds very true up till today, so i'm going to say it again. i am really very very happy. and because of you, i am the luckiest girl in the world. thank you dear, and may we live together in happiness always."

and to celebrate this day without excluding our sweet baby child, here is a picture of her i took specially for him. i dragged his mom in to take a look, and she was very amused and we had a good laugh over it (at child's expense, and she's so oblivious of it! that's the funniest part). and MT, if u are reading this, u have a part in it too. haha. and i really like them, they make her sooooo cute.







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*this is a very convenient word to make something lame sound more like a reason rather than an excuse
**so that's why i'm using it again
***and again
****and again!
^like i remember

change is inevitable...

...except from a vending machine, so says Robert C. Gallagher*

just look at my little cherub:



her eyes are showing more than just the pupils, her eyebrows are appearing, her cheeks are chubbier and her hair is longer. in other words, she is growing. her weight at one month was 4.3kg, which means she gained about a kg from birth. which is quite a feat considering that i am a very clumsy person, and i can't even take care of myself.

well, she's not the only one changing... look at me:



the nose is smaller, and the cheeks less chubby. i think i look much prettier too.

in short, i lost 10kg in a month. KH also lost 3kg. that's 13kg lost in a month in exchange for a 1kg gain in weight. i looked better in that pic because i put a lot of makeup to cover up the pale skin, dark rings and bags around the eyes that resulted from sleepless nights, endless feeding and constant changing of diapers. and not to mention those times when we have to rock and cuddle her in our tired arms to pacify her inconsolable crying, until we feel like crying ourselves.

... ...

am i complaining?




____________________________________
*i don't know who he is

battle of the diaper change

the gauntlet is thrown at the first sound of a fart or a bleep-bleep-bleep. i calmly accept it and arrange to meet half hour later for her to finish her business.

while waiting, i set up my combat formation on the bed, our battleground. i lay out the changing mat, waterproof pad, diaper wipes, cotton pads, nappy rash cream and diapers. i also make sure that the tissue box is fully loaded and the rubbish bin is within shooting range.

the time has come. we take our positions: me on the waterproof pad, and she on the changing mat. in lightning speed, i remove the booties, the pants and the right fastener of the diaper to assess the damage. as expected, it is full of crap. but do not be fooled into thinking that she won't crap anymore, thou be forewarned! precautionary measures still have to be taken!

i quickly launch my attack on her butt with an onslaught of diaper wipes and cotton pads. she fires back rapidly by kicking my hands away with her little baby legs. but i continue to hold the fort. sensing it is not working, she decides to ambush me. she stops her "no shadow kicks" and sneakily stares ahead. i know that look all too well. sure enough, she launches an explosive missile of crap suddenly. i promptly defend by using the "tissue paper shield". wahahahahahaha. i learn my lesson well. the last time she got me with a projectile of shit and i was in the direct line of fire.

the battle is won when i stick the right fastener of a fresh diaper on, and i remain unharmed. however, there is no room for complacency. i will continue to remain vigilant. all the more when my trusty sidekick, KH, is not around.

till we meet again.

the wait is finally over!

here's the premiere showing ooofff... ...THE CHILD

the wait is going to be over soon

the time unit till the delivery of child has changed from months, to weeks, to days, and now finally, to hours. i am scheduled to be induced into labour tomorrow morning at 9 a.m.

and i am not sure how i should feel. i sure didn't wake up this morning feeling all excited about meeting child tomorrow, about today being the last day of my pregnancy. in fact, i think i'm going to miss feeling child having a rolling good time inside me, and KH touching my bump asking how she's doing. i'm also going to miss the things he did with me while i was pregnant, like going for my gynae visits, to maternity classes and waiting around in Orchard while i attended my pre-natal yoga classes.

today, he even bought a real coconut for me to drink, in preparation for the big day tomorrow. however, he bought an uncut one. he managed to hack the pointy top part off, only to expose more husk and no nut. after struggling for a while on the top part, he decided to try another strategy, to hack the sides instead.

i wonder how intelligent that was, thinking that the sides are even thicker. he even asked me if i can do without the flesh, just take the drink, thinking that he could hack his way through from the sides and milk the coconut water into a mug.

after a good half hour, a lot of sweat and husk lying around, he finally gave up and threw the whole coconut away. to make himself feel better, he said it cost only one buck anyways.

oh yeah, i think i'm going to miss such "pregnancy" antics from KH as well.

the different reactions - zzzZZ

date: 5 june 2007
time: 03:30
location: our bed


this time, KH did wake up. and he even tried to soothe my tummy. however, i was a bit surprised that he said: "child, not tonight okay?"

and i think he just didn't continue saying "cos daddy wants to sleep"...*





______________________________________________________________
*altho' in his defense, KH said he meant that he was trying to tell child to stop moving so that i wouldn't feel so much pain...

the different reactions - zzz

date: 5 june 2007
time: 01:32
location: our bed


i was drifting in and out of sleep while suddenly my tummy started to hurt real bad. it was like sore menstrual cramps, and the pain enveloped my whole belly. i prodded at it, but it didn't feel tight, it felt soft, like an overripe fruit instead.

my back was facing KH, so i had to reach back and grope for him instead. i finally found his hand, tugged at it and said: "dear, i'm in pain, i'm iN PAIIIINNNNN!!!!!!!!"

i stopped to catch my breathe and tried to make myself more comfortable.

he mumbled to ask if i was alright. then, there was a pause. then...

i heard him snore.

i guess being worried about him being too jittery and not being able to find the car was unfounded. haha.

the different reactions - where's my car

date: 30 May 2007
time: 14:12
location: b2 carpark, anchorage point


KH and i just had lunch over at paddy fields. the brouhaha over at the gynae's had shredded my nerves to bits, but still left me with appetite for some thai food.

however, it didn't strike me that KH's nerves were pretty frayed too. i should have noted the signs. firstly, he couldn't decide what to do when we couldn't find a parking space at alexander's village where we originally wanted to lunch. secondly, he couldn't decide what to eat at paddy fields. he was flipping the menu, but i'm not sure if he was even looking at it.

the tell-tale sign really came when we went to the carpark for the car. he couldn't find it. KH always finds the car. and then he started to freak out: "where's my car, WHERE'S MY CARRRR?!?!?!?!". and next: "我明明park這裡的!!!",

while his 39 weeks pregnant wife was standing there with fatigue and the possiblity of labour.

i wanted to suggest maybe we could check the other side of the carpark. i was getting really tired and wanted to tell him my legs were going to break. and also add that if he did not calm down and find the stupid car, i would like to break him as well.

but in anyways, it was actually kind of sweet to know how anxious he is about the whole thing. my usually cool and decisive KH losing it because of me and child. however, it wasn't so comforting to think if he has to send me to the hospital, and him going "where's my car, WHERE'S MY CARRRR?!?!?!?!" in the carpark... ...

the different reactions - this is it

date: 30 may 2007
time: 11:05
location: dr Tham's clinic, Gleneagles


we saw dr Yam for the first time since dr Tham was away, and he seems like a detailed, caring and very hands-on gynae. i had the CTG, an internal examination and a scan done, and he listened very attentively to what i said. which is great, cos likely child can't wait for dr Tham to be back and i'm just as comfortable with him.

i just needed to go to the toilet before i leave. somehow i feel that something is not right down there. and true enough, there was a 10 by 1 cm trail of fresh blood on my panty liner. i let out a gasp. and surprisingly, KH could hear it even though he's in the male's toilet and i'm in the female's.

from the toilet he shouted, "what happened, dear?!" i don't really feel like shouting back from the toilet and have a conversation between toilet doors, so i got done with my business quickly. he came out shortly and started rapping at my door. i went out and told him about my discovery.

we hurried back to the clinic. i had another internal examination, this time with some device. after some delibration, i was finally sent back home with an mc, for observations, just to make sure that it's labour time before i'm admitted.

we started to make some calls (and we were still in the clinic). i called my boss and probably said gibberish, but the bottom line was that i wasn't going to turn up for work. my colleagues called as well as they were expecting me. i probably said the same gibberish with the same bottom line. i'm not sure about KH, but i was shaking all over, thinking this is it, this is it... ...

the best way

the best way to live in harmony is not to have any preconceived ideas about anything if you are not the boss and if you don't own the place.

the best way to live happily is to have expectations and have it carried out without obstruction. and yes, it helps if you own the place.

less than a year ago, i could still do that to 10% of the area i used to bunk in. i bought most of the furniture and call the shots on where they are put. i took pride when people commented that it was a pretty hangout.

now, i don't even have 1% of the room of the place i have to live in. i can't even make decisions on bare necessities, let alone luxurious ones like where to put the changing mat.

the best way to get out of this? earn lotsa money and get my own pad.

the empire strikes back... again!

yesterday evening, my dearest drove me back from the office as usual. slightly before i left, i was trying to figure out something from a meeting i had earlier. it was a number i couldn't quite remember how it was derived.

i was thinking aloud while KH drove. finally, i got pretty annoyed. i growled in frustration, grabbed my hair into 2 ponytails trying to pull them out, and slumped against the window on my side.

at that moment, the car stopped at a junction. eyes not leaving the road, KH extended his left hand, subconciously placed it on my bump and asked in a sing-song manner: "how is my child doing today?"

that's when i realised he was oblivious to my gripes. and he wasn't asking me how the child was doing, he was asking child how she was doing.

boo hoo hoo...

my throne has been usurped

every morning, KH will drive me to work. sometimes, when we stop at one of the junctions, while waiting for the busy traffic to pass, KH will put the car in neutral, take his left hand off the wheel and hold my right. he will then caress my hand while we quietly look at each other and smile. it is just sweet, romantic quality time spent together.

this morning, while waiting at one of the junctions, he extended his left hand as usual. i took the cue and held out my right. but he extended his hand further than usual. and that hand landed on my belly and started to caress the bump instead.

i looked at my empty hand and gave him a look that spelt calamity. he stopped caressing and gave me a look that said oh-shit.

the wait for the traffic seemed longer than usual. i slowly realised her royal majesty is now someone smaller than me. and KH probably wanted to get me to the office as quick as possible and make his great escape.

i have heard a lot of times that when baby comes, the husband will feel left out because all the attention of the wife will be on the child. no more 二人世界 after the arrival of baby. however, after this morning's bummer, i came to the sad realisation that there will still be 二人世界, excluding me that is. argh.

37 + 4

that's how far i am into my pregnancy now. and according to my gynae, 37 months is considered full term.

i'm still trying to come to terms with that.

soon the days of:

miserable backaches

faithfully applying stretch marks cream every night

religiously obeying superstitions of not sticking anything, cutting anything on the bed, avoiding construction sites etc

avoiding raw foods and the 4 forbidden fish

will finally be over. and will give way to:

miserable sleepless nights

faithfully applying stretch marks removal cream every night

religiously obeying the mother-in-law's instructions and the child's cries

avoiding almost all foods except for those strictly for confinement

... ...

i'm not sure which is worse.

my belly skin...

... feels like the shirt off the back of dr. banner as he transforms into the incredible hulk.

me dear sweet baby child will stretch real far out sometimes and test the limits of my belly skin. or poke her little toes into my ribs.

space seems like a real problem here for my 2.8 kg bundle and my stretch-marks laced belly. wonder if the little one would like to come out anytime soon?

some updates...

... on how i've been doing so far:

1) finally bought some proper maternity underwear and nursing bras 2 weeks ago. amount spent was about $325 for 4 bras and 4 underwear. to be exact, it is $25.50 / underwear. they are the largest, most unsexy and expensive underwear i have ever bought. white with pink ribbons. i signed the bill with sorrow

2) bought our very first toy for child. it’s a giant chupa chups stuff toy with a bell in the lollipop. i really like it a lot cos as the moment, it’s like a representation of her. sometimes KH will shake the bell in front of my bump to her. it was really cute until he said it feels like he’s calling out vampires, with the bell going like that at night. we are bringing it to the delivery room as a form of encouragement. to me. maybe to her as well cos she might just react to the ringing and come out. thanks to KH for making such a cute thing so freaky

3) really into delifrance’s classic iced lemon tea and chicken crossiant sandwich these days. i’ve been having it every week. it’s good cos it’s healthier that hawker food (i assume), and it’s available everywhere. there’s even an express corner in some petrol kiosks. the only downside: KH is going to see delifrance in a different light soon... kekekeke...

so far so good

the very first thunderstorm

around 5 a.m. in the morning last monday, i was startled awake by a loud clap of thunder. i wasn't afraid, i'm too old for such things.

however, my little one was not.

she started moving around vigourously. it didn't strike me that it was because of the thunder till the second loud clap came along. i thought it was kind of cute and i woke KH up. it was our very first attempt and trying to calm the little one. i think i'm kind of lousy at that, cos the most i did was just rub my bump and tried to say something so that she could calm down from the tone of my voice. KH was even worse, asking him to say something usually has the opposite effect. all he could do was rub my bump more vigourously and utter one worded phrases.

i read one from one of the numerous phamplets i received that around the 7th month, babies may respond to touch and may even jump in reaction to loud noises. how impeccable.

anyways, many more "firsts" to come. can't wait :)

what color shall it be?

from my last post, we didn't know the gender of child yet, because the little one refused to open its legs.

it invited plenty of speculation. and because of the mounting suspense due to child's reluctance to open its legs (and twice at that).

anyways, there were many votes for a boy. these creative folks made their predictions from:

1) the shape of my tummy, cos it is quite sharp
2) my navel because it protrudes out proudly
3) how i look (although no one really told me in the face that i look uglier and have a bigger nose)
4) calculation of some weird formula of the EDD of child and our birth dates (i still don't know how it works)
5) the divination of the fortune teller down in holland village (he's gone missing now)

only one person said that child is a girl. and she even betted on it, against one of her friends.

well child, u defied all odds and proved everybody except one wrong! even i thought u were a boy, from the position in which u were made... haha... i must admit, i was a little upset when the nurse announced the "3 lines"

in anyways, pink or blue, u are still my sweet baby child... but i guess u have to put up with some of the blue rompers we have for u... haha

parking

it's been quite a while...

...since i've posted anything here, and quite a while since the "it's been quite a while" posts started.

it seems like drastic things happened everytime i make these posts. the last time i got a new job. this time round, i'm married and pregnant.

well, things happen. my 2 biggest fears came through in a span of 3 months. that's the lousy part is. the best part is, it's not as bad as i thought.

i'm not going to blog about how married life has been so far. instead, i've decided to keep a journal of my pregnancy. i hope that when child grows up and come across this, it'll be fascinated at what it did and did to me when it's still in me. that is, if i keep up on the postings.

plenty of "it" because the little teaser refused to opens it's legs the last time we went to the gynae. so child, if u don't want to be addressed like an animal, please cooperate when we visit dr tham's tomorrow.

i missed jotting down anything for the first 4 months, but it's never too late u know. besides, things only begin to get really interesting during the 2nd trimester. the first is just a lot of puking and plenty of toilet rituals. child, i don't want to bore u with these, u'll probably hear plenty of it whenever u piss me off anyway. haha.